HONESTY HOUR: REVISED

I originally wrote this last week during an early morning, sleepless "moment" but removed it later that day. It just wasn't what I wanted my opinion on how I feel to sound like and when I was out of my "moment" I just cringed at how it sounded. So I, Jessica Dorman, of a semi sound mind most of the time, am republishing my thoughts on my illness and just how it makes me feel

My whole life has involved getting myself into a really good place and then BAM! something happens, my illness takes over and I have to start over again. It feels like a constant battle trying to climb through sand...knackering and really pointless.

Lately I've been feeling like two different people - some days I can be focused and motivated and loving and then others I'm exhausted, numb and just want to curl up in bed on my own. I can put it down to various reasons - missing having friends close by, going through a ridiculously rocky patch in my relationship, having a stupidly stressful job that I don't really enjoy and generally just feeling a little lost and overwhelmed - but no matter the reason, I've lost my spark. I've lost my fun. I look back on photos and see a completely different person and that is never good. I miss being me!

I've suffered with anxiety and depression for longer than I'd like to mention. In that space of time I've always knew when it's gotten out of control. There have only been a handful of times I've even vaguely considered anything dramatic, even then it was a very brief moment and that was only due to the loss of 2 of my favourite people in the world. Now though, nothing has happened. Everyone is still here, whether it be next to me in bed or a text away...but every now and again I get that "niggle" that asks me "why are you still here?" - and that scares me.

I'm not really sure how to control that feeling, or how to make it better or how to even function alongside it. At the minute everything feels just a little bit too much and no one really seems to understand...including me.