ROAD TO RECOVERY: GETTING A HANDLE ON MY ILLNESS

I'll just jump in and say I've been having a tough time lately with my anxiety and depression. I've suffered on and off for 8 years with this illness and after thinking I had finally gained control it reared its ugly head and came back bigger and badder. My illness was basically A! I'm surprised it doesn't text me saying "kisses D&A" after every down day. After a few months of wallowing - ok, 6 months but who's counting...- I've decided enough is enough and have decided to do something about it. I also wanted to record it all, so I can look back and see how far I've come. This may not be everyone's cup of tea and it's not going to be all sweetness and light but you never know...it might help someone else too.

I'm a strong believer of no matter how much help you can give someone if they aren't ready it won't help them. This could just be because I'm stubborn but if I'm not in the right frame of mind there just isn't any point. This was the reason why I waited so long before seeking help. I waited until the very moment where I dreaded waking up every morning. I tried to force myself to get ready for work but ended up just sitting in the shower and crying...that was the moment I knew I needed to get some help. Now I'm not saying everyone should wait until the moment they break down but sometimes you have to realise how low you are before you seek help.

I booked an emergency appointment and dressed in my comfort hoody and headed off to the surgery. The whole journey there all I could think about was what do I say? What if the doctor isn't understanding? What if I cry? What if I don't cry? After an hour of sheer anxiety in silence I was called in to see the doctor. I knocked on the door and was ushered in. The doctor smiled, told me to take a seat and asked how I was feeling...as soon as my bum hit the seat my emotions just overwhelmed me and I couldn't control my crying - the poor doctor honestly! I felt for him!

After apologising several times for my multiple breakdowns, he handed me some tissues and we talked about what he thought was best for me. He prescribed me some antidepressants (which I have had before) and refereed me to a local talking therapy group. Although I didn't really get on with therapy before things a lot different now and it might actually do me some good. He also signed me off work for 2 weeks so I can focus on getting used to my tablets and take some "me" time without the stress of working hindering my recovery.

And there we have it, my journey has started. It seems so easy to write it down but it was one of the hardest things I had to do which may seem silly but I'm glad I've done it. Wish me luck!

PS, don't worry there are still going to be some fun posts too! Don't abandon me just yet :)